Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
