i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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