I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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