Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
