DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
