im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
