I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
