If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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