You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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