a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
