so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
