glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize