She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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