that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
