Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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