Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
