the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Enjoy the penises
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
