I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
how does that bad decision feel?
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