My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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