I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
