ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
