tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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