dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
