I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
