Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
