How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
