I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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