Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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