I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
