You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
