I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
