Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
