the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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