I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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