Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
