3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Randomize
