I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Welp...herpes.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
