then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize