you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
