im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My liver just broke up with me...
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Randomize
