I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize