I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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