I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
