last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
