Best friends brother. Beat that.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
