Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
