this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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