one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize