He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
