He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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