So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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