I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
