david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i dont even know how to be here
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
