i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
