i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Randomize
