You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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