Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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