You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
