hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
