im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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