Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
