When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
