I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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