Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize