I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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