She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize