Swine flu. Run for my life!
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
