cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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